Today’s guest post follows Crystal Naldi through five major revisions she made while writing A Man’s Fight, a dark underground romance. I especially loved the addition of Patrick’s painted nails. Curious what I’m talking about? Read on to discover how that small detail, along with four other key changes, helped shape the story. Along the way, you’ll pick up novel revision tips you can apply to your own manuscript.
By Crystal Naldi
When I first imagined A Man’s Fight, I knew three things: I wanted underground fighting, dangerous attraction, and a main character who was trying to take back power after feeling powerless. Everything else took a few rounds in the cage.
The earliest version of the story was rawer and a lot messier. It had the bones of the book I eventually published, but not the heart yet, leaning more toward bare-knuckle chaos than emotional consequence. The fights and the heat were there. The bruises were definitely there.
But during revisions, I realized Patrick Boss’s story could not just be about what happened to his body in the ring. It also had to capture what happened to his identity, pride, desire, and sense of self.
Here are five of the biggest changes I made while revising A Man’s Fight.
Change #1: I Cut Back the “Fight, Heat, Repeat” Structure
In the earliest version, the story had a much more episodic setup. Patrick would enter the underground, face different fighters, and each fight was going to lead into a much more sensual encounter.
At the time, that sounded fun, dramatic, and dangerous. Very “what terrible decision will this man make next?”
But the more I worked on the book, the more I realized that structure was sending the story in the wrong direction. Instead of building Patrick’s emotional journey, it risked turning the book into a parade of fights and hookups. That can work for some stories, but this one needed something sharper and more mature.
Patrick is not just chasing danger. I also wanted to show him trying to understand who he becomes when pushed past fear. Angry, wounded, and curious about his own strength, he’s drawn to desire in ways that scare him.
So I scaled back the original structure and made the intimacy more compelling. The book became less about “how much can happen?” and more about “what does this cost him?”
Change #2: I Tied the Romantic Lead More Deeply to the Underground
Originally, the romantic lead was going to discover Patrick’s involvement from the outside. He would see him leaving the underground and realize Patrick had been keeping a secret.
That version worked on a basic plot level, but it lacked bite.
The better version came when I tied the romantic lead more directly into the danger, secrecy, and temptation of the underground itself. Suddenly, the romance was happening inside the main plot rather than adjacent to it. Every look, confrontation, and charged moment had more impact because the attraction was tangled up with the same world Patrick was struggling to survive.
Instead of one character just reacting to Patrick’s secret, the romance became part of the secret, making the relationship feel more dangerous and intimate.
That reminded me how romance shouldn’t feel pasted onto the story. In a strong romance, the love interest should complicate the hero’s deepest problem and make the plot worse in the best possible way.
Change #3: The Underground Became a Whole World, Not Just a Place to Fight
At first, the underground was much simpler. I pictured something closer to a gritty open-floor fight club: shirtless guys, bare knuckles, blood, sweat, and a crowd hungry for violence.
It had atmosphere, but it did not have mythology yet. During revisions, I started asking myself what would make this underground feel unforgettable. Why would people come here? Why would fighters risk themselves here? What would make Patrick feel like he had stepped into a place with its own rules, symbols, and rituals?
That is when the world became more theatrical. The fights moved away from a plain open-floor setup and became more structured, stylized, and dangerous. Masks and fighter identities became important, and the space itself evolved into a stage where men were not just fighting, but performing versions of themselves.
That revision changed the tone of the entire book, turning the underground into a place where Patrick could be watched, judged, desired, hurt, and transformed. I used the setting to seduce the characters and dare them to become someone they’re not sure they are ready to be.
Change #4: I Added a Stronger Power Structure
In the earliest version, I did not really have one central figure controlling the underground. The story had fighters, spectators, and danger, but it lacked a strong sense of who was benefiting from all that chaos.
Once I started building a clearer power structure behind the underground, the book gained more tension. No longer random events, the fights were part of a system where someone had control. Someone was watching and understood how to turn violence, secrecy, and spectacle into power.
Patrick was not just walking into a dangerous room anymore; he was walking into someone else’s game.
It also gave Patrick something bigger to push against. Rather than just fighting other men, he was challenging the world they were all trapped inside.
Change #5: I Gave Smaller Details More Meaning
Some revisions are huge structural changes while others are tiny details that suddenly reveal the character better than a whole paragraph of explanation.
For Patrick, one of those details became his nails.
When I first thought of the story, I did not imagine him painting his nails in pride colors. That came later, but once it appeared, it felt like it had always belonged there.
The nails gave Patrick a visual way to carry defiance on his body. They were vulnerable and bold at the same time. In a world built around fists, blood, and masculine performance, painted nails became a sign of rebellion.
That is the kind of detail I love: something small enough to miss at first glance, but strong enough to tell you who a character is.
Another smaller-but-important revision involved moving a romantic complication from another project into this one. I will keep that vague to avoid spoilers, but it was one of those writer moments where a subplot raises its hand from the wrong story and says, “Actually, I belong over there.”
That subplot raised the emotional stakes around Patrick’s choices, making the romance messier and the longing more complicated. It gave the story another layer of “this would be easier if everyone wanted simple things, but of course they don’t.”
Want to Read the Rest of the Book?
The version of A Man’s Fight I first imagined was rougher, sexier, and much more straightforward. The version I published became something stronger: a dark enemies-to-lovers M/M romance about violence, desire, identity, pride, and the dangerous thrill of being seen by the exact person who could ruin you.
A Man’s Fight is a novella set in an underground fighting world of masks, blood, pride, and dangerous attraction. Patrick Boss is a closeted, sensitive gay man who enters the underground searching for power after feeling powerless. What he finds is a world built on violence, secrets, and desire — and a man who makes the fight feel personal in ways Patrick is not ready for.
The book is available now in ebook, paperback, hardcover, and audiobook formats.
Readers can learn more about A Man’s Fight, watch the trailer and short film, and find purchase links here:
Crystal Naldi writes gritty M/M romance with blood, bruises, big feelings, and men who probably need therapy before they start kissing each other — but where would the fun be in that?
She is the author of A Man’s Fight and the creator of the You Fight Like a Girl series, a dark romance/fighting saga about survival, identity, and love in violent worlds. Her work often blends cinematic action, emotional intensity, queer romance, and a little bit of chaos.
Hi there! I’m Stacy Juba, an author, freelance editor, and the founder of Shortcuts for Writers. I’d love to connect. If you’re a writer, here are a few ways we can work together:
Finishing a novel is a huge milestone, but what happens when your word count spirals far beyond industry expectations? If you’ve ever typed “The End” only to realize your manuscript is too long, you’ll relate to this “Behind the Rewrite” guest post from Bruce Conord. Many writers struggle with cutting words without cutting the heart out of their story.
Bruce shares how he trimmed his thriller without sacrificing tension, voice, or impact. If you’re ready to tighten your manuscript and improve pacing at the same time, you’ll find actionable strategies you can apply right away.
By Bruce Conord
I read the news in horror. I’d just finished writing a thriller novel of 126,000 words when I learned literary agents were unlikely to be interested in a debut novel by a rookie writer if it’s over 100,000. Even worse, their sweet spot was between 85 and 90,000 words. Yikes!
Was there a GLP-1 for losing 30,000 words? Alas, no such pill existed, and my manuscript had already been edited three times! Although my story might be bloated, it was good bloat, and I hated to part with any of it. So, to tackle the problem of runaway words, the first step was to set aside my ego and acknowledge that trimming fat would only improve the novel.
I started with the first page of each chapter. Too many began by building atmosphere, such as describing the ominous weather, perhaps a little backstory, what my character wore, or what a room looked like.
All well-written, I must admit, but did they pass the tests of: “Do all these beginnings add relevant depth to my character (s)? Did they move the plot further along in a meaningful way?” Not so much.
Was there a better place to begin? You bet—85% of the time I cut words, sentences, and paragraphs, and then found an action scene to begin with. And by action, I mean physical movement and dialogue, just not passive writing. Use action verbs to get readers to invest their time in your story.
Next, I applied the same mindset to descriptions. Now I love writers who paint pictures with words, but anything too flowery or unnecessary became ripe for the guillotine. In one case, I even nixed an entire chapter in which my character encounters a corrupt policeman. It decided it was extraneous to the plot, so out came the axe. My thriller novel’s reliance on action highlighted its slower moments, making it easier to cut.
I went to the last paragraph of every chapter to make sure the ending was punchy, short, and dangling—with an ending that left the reader with no choice but to keep going to see what happens. If it didn’t do that, I fixed it. By the time I had finished, the novel was right in the middle of the “sweet spot” word count. And better for it.
About the Book
Come and Get Her:The cartel kidnapped his daughter for ransom. He would make them pay.
Former Special Forces operative Jesse Arroyo thought he’d left the war behind. Then the phone rings—his teenage daughter is missing in Mexico. Within hours, Arroyo is pulled into a brutal world of cartel violence, corrupt power players, and blood-soaked secrets.
To bring her home, he must resurrect the man he swore he’d buried: the relentless warrior who never quits and never forgives. Teamed with a widowed journalist driven by her own desire for justice, Arroyo plunges across the border in a desperate race to save her.
Bruce Conord, an award-winning author of a dozen nonfiction titles, received a Pushcart Prize nomination for his short fiction. He lives in Princeton, NJ, when he’s not in Puerto Morelos, Mexico. His terrorist-themed thriller, Death Watch, will be released later this spring, marking the 25th anniversary of 9/11.
Hi there! I’m Stacy Juba, an author, freelance editor, and the founder of Shortcuts for Writers. I’d love to connect. If you’re a writer, here are a few ways we can work together:
In this Behind the Rewrite post, Jann Everard shares her experience revising a short story for inclusion in her short fiction collection. Despite the story’s previous publications, Jann saw an opportunity to strengthen the piece further. Below, she reflects on why she chose to revisit a published story and how those edits ultimately improved the narrative.
Prior to being included in my short fiction collection Blue Runaways (Stonehewer Books, 2024), The Bus Stops Here had been published in Canadian journal The Fiddlehead and an anthology entitled Best New Writing 2015. Yet it still underwent the most line editing/revision of the twelve stories in the collection—making it crisper and more consistent with the quality and themes of the other stories.
Openness to editing a story that has been previously published can be a challenge. The published version might be fixed in the writer’s mind. Distance from the story helps to see it with fresh eyes, as does reading it within the context of the surrounding stories and carrying a mental checklist of revision tactics from one story to another.
Edits included:
✅Using one word instead of two, e.g., thought about became considered.
✅Deleting words and phrases to stay on point. The character is focused on her hygiene after a long bus ride. The references to eating in fast food joints distracted from that and could be deleted.
✅Letting the reader make their own connections. Spelling out what a shower does (e.g., “… to wash away the mustiness”) wasn’t necessary. Nor was it necessary to say the character is backpacking, given her actions. Delete, delete, delete.
✅Taking advantage of a previously missed opportunity to hint at the character’s backstory and why she cares so little about her nighttime routine. Having “anxious thoughts” was vague, while being ambivalent about taking a birth control pill is more specific.
Original
It took only five minutes to unroll and inflate my sleeping pad, pull my sleeping bag from its compression sack and fold my fleece into a makeshift pillow. I thought about going back to the lodge to brush my teeth, but really, what did it matter? I wouldn’t be kissing anyone tonight. Or anytime soon, for that matter.
I’d been denying this fact for days. On the bus, I’d slept, and mechanically followed the others off the bus into rest stops with grimy bathrooms and greasy fast food joints. I’d sat near my fellow travellers, parroting their actions as I put food in my mouth, chewed and swallowed. I’d tied my greasy hair back into an unflattering ponytail, applied my deodorant stick layer over layer—no shower in between to wash away the mustiness.
Now, lying flat on my back in the dark, specks of mould on the tepee’s white canvas like a reverse palette of the night sky above me, reality set in. I had no one to soothe away my anxious thoughts. I was on this backpacking trip alone.
Final Version
It took only five minutes to unroll and inflate my sleeping pad, pull my sleeping bag from its compression sack and fold my fleece into a makeshift pillow. I considered going back to the lodge to brush my teeth. On the bus, I’d mechanically followed the others into rest stops with grimy bathrooms. Chipped porcelain and discoloured mirrors. Beside my fellow travellers, I’d tied my greasy hair back into an unflattering ponytail, applied my deodorant stick layer over layer instead of showering. At the top of my backpack was a zippered bag holding individually-wrapped face wipes, travel-sized bottles of lotion, a blister pack that held my pills. It didn’t seem to matter anymore if I took one at the usual time or not.
Now, lying flat on my back in the dark, specks of mould on the tepee’s white canvas like a reverse palette of the night sky above me, reality set in. No one but me would notice whether my face was washed or my rough elbows softened with lotion. No one else would share my tube of toothpaste. I was alone.
About Blue Runaways
Some of the women in Blue Runaways are grieving. Some are looking for a second chance. All are at a turning point. From Iceland to Bali, from Canada’s cities to its wild and expansive backcountry, the characters in this collection face the most human of fears: that dear ones die, love is a risk, and no promise is certain.
As diverse in situation as it is controlled in theme, this collection serves as a multifaceted exploration of loss, love, and what it takes to move on. With a keen eye for landscape and an uncanny knack for inhabiting hearts and minds, Everard ventures into her character’s darkest days. By confronting the sorrow of being alive, Blue Runaways reveals the joy of knowing we are not alone.
Jann Everard is an award-winning writer whose stories have been published in Canada, the United States, Australia, and New Zealand in journals including: The Malahat Review, The Fiddlehead, The New Quarterly, Prairie Fire, Grain, The Humber Literary Review, EVENT Magazine, Room Magazine, and The Dalhousie Review. Born in Halifax, Jann settled in Toronto, where she worked in health administration and raised two sons. A life-long traveller and outdoorswoman, she now makes her home on Vancouver Island — hiking, kayaking, writing, and being inspired by nature.
Hi there! I’m Stacy Juba, an author, freelance editor, and the founder of Shortcuts for Writers. I’d love to connect. If you’re a writer, here are a few ways we can work together:
Writers are often told to “show, don’t tell,” but what does that really mean? When Alina Adams revised a pivotal scene in her upcoming novel Go On Pretending, you can see firsthand how turning exposition into action and dialogue made the emotions more powerful, the stakes higher, and the characters more vivid. Thanks to an insightful editorial suggestion, what was once an internal monologue transformed into a dynamic exchange that pulled readers deeper into the world of her characters. Below, Alina shares a look at that transformation and why “show, don’t tell” is more than just a writing cliché.
My 15th traditionally published novel, Go On Pretending, comes out on May, 1, 2025. (It is partially set in the Soviet Union. Yes, the choice of date is deliberate.) You would think that, after 15 traditionally published novels (and four books of nonfiction), I would know what I was doing. Granted, I sometimes do know what I am doing. But, then again, I don’t always know what I am doing.
For instance, below is a scene as it originally appeared in the first draft of Go On Pretending. (Obviously, the first draft is not actually the first draft. It is the 112th draft, which I have gone over obsessively, changing a word here, deleting a sentence there, moving around paragraphs, and then deciding none of it works and I should start all over again. But you know what I mean.)
Background: The year is 1957. Rose Janowitz is a radio soap-opera writer romantically involved with her show’s African-American leading man, Jonas Cain. It was one thing to hide his identity on the radio. But now that the program is about to make the big move to television, the pair of them have a problem. A big problem….
Wearing an engagement ring should have made Rose feel safer. She and Jonas were a legitimate couple now. Interracial marriage was legitimately legal in New York state. Instead, it made her feel like more of a target. Whenever they stepped out together, Rose wriggled with an itch between her shoulder-blades which suggested she was being watched. Jonas assured it was her imagination. This was New York City. Nobody cared about anybody else’s business. They were all too busy concentrating on their own lives to hone in on whether Rose wore an engagement ring or wonder if the colored man next to her was the lucky groom-to-be. Yet Rose still felt as if a spotlight targeted her hand wherever she went. Sure, some people smiled at her. Most, like Jonas said, ignored her. But how did Rose know what they were really thinking?
Rose couldn’t claim that her paranoia started with Emmet Till, the fourteen year old Negro boy lynched in Mississippi for flirting or smiling or whistling or saying hello – no one was sure, but did it really matter? – to a white woman. He was from Chicago, another Northern city like New York where nobody cared about anyone else’s business, so Emmet didn’t expect Mississippi to be different. The men acquitted of his murder beat Emmet, then shot him, then dropped his body off a bridge into the river where he was eventually found. They used cotton- seeds to soak up the blood left behind. He was fourteen. A child. A child like Jonas had once been. A child like she and Jonas might one day have.
The murder of Emmet Till didn’t kick off Rose’s paranoia. But it inflamed it. Rose didn’t want Jonas to reassure her that no one cared. She wanted him to reassure her that things were getting better. What about Brown v. The Board of Education, integrating public schools? What about Rosa Parks and the Montgomery Bus boycott? What about the Reverend Martin Luther King and the meeting in Atlanta to coordinate non-violent protests across the Southern states?
But all Jonas would say was, “Forty acres and a mule. We’ve heard promises before.”
His cynicism infuriated her. But not as much as her own helplessness.
The world was burning, children were dying, and Rose was… writing a play?
Once upon a time, she’d marched off to war in order to right the world’s wrongs. She’d failed. But at least she’d tried.
Now she was sitting at home, writing, worrying about looks she might engender in the streets, telling herself that words, if she could find the right ones, might make a difference. It wasn’t enough. Merely trying wouldn’t be enough this time either.
This time, Rose would need to succeed.
There was no other option. Not if she and Jonas were to remain together.
They would succeed.
Or they would die trying.
***
When History Through Fiction publisher Colin Mustful read the above, his note to me was: Perhaps this should be a scene? Rose could read it in the paper and it could lead to a discussion about these issues and fears??
Here is how the rewrite will appear in the final version:
Wearing an engagement ring should have made Rose feel safer. She and Jonas were a legitimate couple now. Interracial marriage was legitimately legal in New York state. Instead, it made her feel like more of a target. Whenever they stepped out together, Rose wriggled with an itch between her shoulder-blades which suggested she was being watched. Jonas assured her it was her imagination. This was New York City. Nobody cared about anybody else’s business. They were all too busy concentrating on their own lives to hone in on whether Rose wore an engagement ring or wonder if the colored man next to her was the lucky groom-to-be. Yet Rose still felt as if a spotlight targeted her hand wherever she went. Sure, some people smiled at her. Most, like Jonas said, ignored her. But how did Rose know what they were really thinking?
Rose assured Jonas she wasn’t obsessing over the issue. She swore to him she barely so much as thought about the issue. Jonas pretended to believe her. Until Rose handed him a stack of freshly typed pages for Jonas to read out loud so Rose could hear how they sounded, and a folded newspaper clipping describing the murder of Emmet Till fluttered to the ground.
Till was the fourteen-year-old Negro boy lynched in Mississippi for flirting or smiling or whistling or saying hello—no one was sure, but did it really matter?—to a white woman. He was from Chicago, another Northern city like New York where nobody cared about anyone else’s business, so Emmet didn’t expect Mississippi to be different. The men acquitted of his murder beat Emmet, then shot him, then dropped his body off a bridge into the river where he was eventually found. They used cotton seeds to soak up the blood left behind. He was fourteen. A child. A child like Jonas had once been. A child like she and Jonas might one day have.
Rose scrambled to pick up the detritus, crumpling it in her palm and making a move to pitch it towards the garbage pail. “I must have missed this when taking out the trash.”
“It’s over a year old,” Jonas observed levelly.
“So, I missed it a year ago.” She refused to meet his eyes.
“Rose…”
“Don’t. Please. Please don’t tell me again how nobody cares that we’re together.”
“What do you want me to tell you then?”
Oh, Jonas. Forever the pliant actor, waiting for her to feed him his lines. It was a fantasy, no different than the worlds they created over the radio. Rose understood the daydream of it as surely as she embraced her eagerness to take advantage of it.
“I want you to tell me that things are getting better. Brown versus The Board of Education integrating public schools. Rosa Parks and the Montgomery Bus boycott. Dr. King coordinating those non-violent protests in Atlanta. Tell me all of that means things are getting better.”
“Forty acres and a mule,” he reminded her. “We’ve heard promises before.”
“Why do you have to be so cynical?”
“Because I’m not the champion you are. I didn’t possess the courage to go charging into Spain, prepared to lay down my life if it meant making the world a better place.”
“What are you talking about? You fought in the European theater!”
“Not by choice. I was drafted. You volunteered.”
“That was over fifteen years ago. What have I championed lately? The world is burning.” She smoothed out the wrinkled newspaper story so they could both, once again, look upon the photograph of poor Emmet in his casket, his swollen face with its missing eyes disfigured past recognition, his grieving mother being pulled away as she sobbed. “Children are dying. And what am I doing to make the world a better place? I’m writing a goddamn play! I’m pretending that words—if I could only find the right words—that words might somehow make a difference.”
“You championed me.” Jonas slid the picture out of Rose’s hands. “You championed us.”
“I will never stop doing that,” she swore.
“Which is why,” he leaned in to kiss her, “that is the one promise I will always believe.”
***
It’s better.
It is undeniably, 100% better.
My very first published book, The Fictitious Marquis, came out from Avon in 1995. Since then, I’ve self-published some non-fiction. But I insist on only traditional publishing for my fiction.
When people ask me why, I explain it’s because I need someone to check my stupidity. With non-fiction, I know I have information people want, and they are happy to get it, even if the prose isn’t sparkling.
For fiction, I have to convey subtlety and nuance and a mood. I can’t just state what I want to say and move on. For that, I can try my literary best. But I need other people to read it and to tell me whether or not it not only makes sense, but whether it delivers what I want it to deliver.
For that I need an editor who will tell me when my work isn’t good enough. That is exactly what Colin did with the above, and, thankfully, he offered a suggestion to make it better. (You don’t know how many editors I’ve had who scribbled notes like: This scene doesn’t work. Make it work.)
Colin forced me to turn thought into action, feeling into conviction. The rewrite made the emotion stronger, it brought the characters into clearer focus, and it shone a spotlight on the specific time, something that is absolutely vital in historical fiction.
I think the rewrite is better. My publisher thinks the rewrite is better. But, of course, in the end, none of it matters. Only the readers’ opinion ultimately counts.
So I’m asking you: What do you think? Which version do you prefer?
Let us all know in the comments!
About the book
Three generations of women battle against the tides of history, from segregated 1950s America to the fall of the USSR and the rise of revolutionary Rojava.
Rose Janowitz is a pioneer in the 1950s golden age of television, as she navigates the transition from radio to TV soap operas. But beneath the glitz and glamor lies a web of secrets. Rose’s radical past and her hidden romance with Jonas Cain, the African-American leading man who made Guiding Light a hit on radio. How long will Rose be able to hide Jonas Cain’s identity-and their romantic relationship-from the public, and from Irna Phillips, the formidable doyenne who invented the soap-opera, a woman who makes-and breaks-professional careers on a whim.
In the 1980s, Rose’s daughter Emma Kagan abandons her privileged life in the USSR as the daughter of high-profile American defectors, to return to the country of her parents’ birth just as Mikhail Gorbachev announces the new openness known as glasnost. In the US, Emma navigates the hypocrisy and inherent contradictions of the political left and the right, as the collapse of the Soviet Union sends her scrambling for survival. Emma’s search for a place to fully belong finds her looking for personal freedom in the strangest of places-with unexpected and often life-threatening results.
In 2012, Libby, Emma’s daughter and Rose’s granddaughter, embarks on a bold journey to Rojava, Syria, joining the Women’s Revolution. Her search for utopia pulls Rose and Emma into the fray, where family secrets long buried are unearthed amid the anarchy of war.
New York Times bestselling author Alina Adams brings her unique perspective as a Soviet immigrant to the US who mastered English through soap operas to this multilayered tale. With a background in broadcast communications and a history of writing compelling narratives, Adams captures the essence of each era with authenticity and emotional depth. From the author of the acclaimed historical novel My Mother’s Secret, Go On Pretending offers a powerful exploration of the struggles for personal freedom and the enduring strength of family bonds.
About Alina Adams
Alina Adams is the NYT-bestselling author of soap opera tie-ins, figure skating mysteries, and romance novels. Her historical fiction includes The Nesting Dolls, My Mother’s Secret: A Novel of the Jewish Autonomous Region, and the upcoming Go on Pretending.
Read Alina’s past articles on the Shortcuts for Writers blog:
Hi there! I’m Stacy Juba, an author, freelance editor, and the founder of Shortcuts for Writers. I’d love to connect. If you’re a writer, here are a few ways we can work together:
Have you ever considered writing a children’s picture book? Because children’s picture books are so short, it can be challenging to tell your story effectively. You have limited space, need to use an age-appropriate vocabulary, and your words have to inspire an illustrator to create vivid pictures. Some writers make it look easy, like A.L. Wegwerth, author of I’m Going to Be a Hockey Star. But writing a picture book is a complex undertaking that takes special skill. Fortunately, A.L. Wegwerth has stopped by to share five of her top tips for aspiring picture book writers. Read her tips below.
I write this as an avid picture book reader as well as a picture book author. I’ve also worked in children’s publishing for over fifteen years so I have an inside perspective that tends toward practical, and for that reason this advice may resonate with some people and not with others.
Without further ado, here are five quick tips for aspiring picture book writers.
Tip #1: Read, Then Write.
If you want to write a picture book, make sure you read picture books. Lots of them. The quality of picture books produced gets better every year. Soak in each book’s wisdom, its innovation or its simplicity. Figure out which authors resonate with you and why. Reading widely also has the added benefit of helping you better understand the picture book market in terms of what gets published and potential comps for your book. I can’t emphasize enough that if you have a goal of getting your book traditionally published, there needs to be a perceived audience for your book. Which brings me to my next point . . .
Tip #2: Consider Your Audience.
A picture book has two audiences: the child and the parent whose lap the child sits on. Make sure your story has elements that appeal to both. It not only makes bedtime or story time more enjoyable for the parents, but I truly believe it affects your book sales. People are more likely to purchase a book as a gift or recommend it to others if they found it enjoyable (and not just their kid).
Tip #3: Choose Your Words Carefully.
A picture book is a collaboration between an author and illustrator. Make sure your words leave space for the illustrator to tell the story. As a picture book writer, focus on action and dialogue and avoid descriptions unless they are vital to the story (the illustrator can take care of that.) Picture books are great ways to build kids’ visual literacy (i.e., the ability to read and make sense of visual images). The words and art work together to tell a story; when the words repeat what is in the illustrations, the story becomes redundant.
Tip #4: Keep The Story Moving With Page Turns.
There are so many things I love about the picture book format, but I think my favorite is how effective page turns can be. Page turns aid in pacing and, when done effectively, help keep readers reading. Page turns can act as a cliffhanger, reveal something surprising, add humor, or create excitement or suspense. Use them to your advantage. When writing your picture book, consider the book map—what text will go on each page. Don’t forget to leave space for the title page, copyright info, etc.
Tip #5: You Are Not Beholden To Rhyme.
If you’re thinking that you should write your picture book in rhyme, don’t. If writing in rhyme doesn’t come naturally, please don’t try. What are some clues that your rhyme is not working? When sticking to the rhyme scheme dictates the plot of the book. When it feels forced, like when you awkwardly structure sentences simply to maintain the rhyme. Rhyme can also feel overused if you’re using a common rhyme scheme. All this said, if rhyming comes easily to you, by all means run with it. But there’s nothing that will make me close a book quicker (or, at the very least, groan audibly) than a book with an unnatural or forced rhyme.
These are five tips for picture book writing, but I could have written five hundred. I think the biggest thing that has helped me in my picture writing is to give up the idea of perfection—especially on the first draft. I’ve found that the more I write, the better my work becomes. So keep writing!
More About The Book
The very first hockey practice can be a little scary, but not if you are planning to be the world’s greatest hockey superstar! Follow the action and relish the dreams of a confident young boy as he begins his journey to hockey stardom. See what happens at a hockey practice, learn about the excitement and fun of the game, and experience the lovable chaos of the ice arena. With humor and a little bit of attitude, A.L. Wegwerth has written a great introduction to the sport, while Alana McCarthy’s vivid style brings the game to life for future hockey stars.
Aimed at kids ages 3-7, the story was published by River Horse Books.
A.L. Wegwerth, AKA Amber Ross, writes books for kids that are filled with imagination, playfulness, and humor. She’s a product director by day, a hockey coach by night, a mom 24/7, and an author in the early morning (and whenever else she might fit it in).
Hi there! I’m Stacy Juba, an author, freelance editor, and the founder of Shortcuts for Writers. I’d love to connect. If you’re a writer, here are a few ways we can work together:
Welcome to New York Times Bestselling Author Alina Adams, who is returning to the blog to share 5 changes she made to her latest book, My Mother’s Secret: A Novel of the Jewish Autonomous Region. Keep reading to get insight into Alina’s revising strategies on this intriguing historical fiction book, which is rooted in detailed research about a little known chapter of Soviet and Jewish history.
Change #1: The Beginning
The first draft of the book which became My Mother’s Secret: A Novel of the Jewish Autonomous Region opened with three chapters setting up the “present day” sequence—San Francisco, CA 1988. (When the bulk of the book takes place in the 1930s and 1940s, 1988 is “modern.”)
It introduced the heroine, Lena, her difficult relationship with her withholding mother, the death of her beloved father, her teenage daughter, and her controlling husband—as well as the man who would become a potential love interest in the future. The three chapters went into great detail about why Lena always felt unloved by her mother, and how her faltering marriage got to this state: Lena used to love that her husband made all of her decisions for her. It made her feel that he cared about her in a way that her mother did not. Now she feels smothered. Her husband’s not the one that changed; Lena is. She knows it and blames herself . . . but she still can’t help feeling like she wants out. It’s guilt about her daughter that’s making her stay.
However, the feedback I got was to get to the “good stuff”— the story of Lena’s mother and her desperate escape to Birobidzhan, the Jewish Autonomous Region on the border between Russia and China in the mid-1930s—faster.
So the original three chapters became a single prologue which, in the hardback version, now runs a tight 12 pages. I still hit all the main points, but much more compactly. You have to wait for Part Three to get the details. And learn how it all turns out.
Change #2: In the Name of the Father
The first lines of the book read: Lina Mirapolsky’s father was dying. Her husband was trying to get a discount on it.
The newly truncated prologue still opens with the death of Lena’s dad, and her surprise at the way her mother reacts to it.
In the first draft, Lena has always known that he’s her stepfather and adored him anyway.
In the rewrite, his cryptic, dying words send Lena on a hunt which reveals that the man who raised her wasn’t her biological father.
I initially deliberately avoided that, because it felt too cliched, but was ultimately convinced to put it in for the “wham” moment which closes out the prologue. Curious to hear what readers think!
Change #3: Straight Ahead
Part Two of My Mother’s Secret: A Novel of the Jewish Autonomous Region follows Lena’s mother, Regina, from the time a neighbor in her family’s Moscow communal apartment introduces 12-year-old Regina to the dream of Birobidzhan, getting her involved with the Yiddish-language newspaper she publishes as well as the historic figures committed to the cause of an independent Jewish homeland in the Soviet Union, until 18- year-old Regina is forced to flee Moscow to avoid being arrested along with her neighbor and all their compatriots.
In the original draft, the story is told chronologically. In the published version, we first meet Regina as she is fleeing, and the question of what she is fleeing from is left unanswered until much later in the story, when she is forced to confess all. The idea here is to set up suspense as to why Regina is on the run, what she is hiding, and her reasons for being so secretive with everyone she meets, including the man she starts to fall in love with.
Change #4: Slap, Slap, Kiss, Kiss
In my first pass, Regina’s initial meeting with her future love interest is full of antagonism. Regina smugly feels she knows what’s best for Birobidzhan because she’s read books about it better than Aaron, the man who has lived there for years. This leads to lots of witty banter—the kind I frankly, love to write. But it also made Regina come off as unlikable. (I was writing her as a know-it-all teen-ager who would eventually come to realize the error of her ways, wise up, mature, and admit her youthful folly. But I guess nobody wants to wait that long.)
Now, Regina is still cryptic with Aaron, but it’s because she has a secret she doesn’t want him to discover, and also because she is deliberately turned against him by a third party with his own agenda.
The pair still argues and banters, and I was even able to keep some of the same dialogue. But the context and motivation is different, making her less of a brat, and more of a scared kid.
Change #5: Where the Wind Takes You
My first idea for Regina’s story was to have it take place exclusively in Birobidzhan. The little-known history of the place, as well as the paranoid atmosphere—anyone could be arrested at any moment, everyone was always spying on their neighbors, loyalties were constantly shifting, and what was politically safe to say one day could, overnight, become treason—seemed ripe for gripping narrative possibilities.
But then, I decided to up the stakes. Historical fiction, especially featuring Jewish characters, has plundered every aspect of the Holocaust. There isn’t nearly as much written about what was happening at the same time in the Soviet Union.
The USSR lost over 24 million people in their “Great Patriotic War,” roughly half of them military, the other half civilian. The Russians then—as now—fight by throwing bodies at the enemy, treating them as disposable. And then there were the Nazi prisoner of war camps. Western powers were signatories to the Geneva convention. The Soviets were not. Even when they were kept in the same camp, American soldiers were treated much better than Soviet ones. (There’s a reason there were no Soviet prisoners having a goofy, fun time in Hogan’s Heroes.)
Once I did my research there, I decided to throw my heroes from the frying pan of Josef Stalin’s Great Terror into the fire of a Nazi POW camp.
After all, isn’t one aspect of compelling writing to make it seem like things can’t get any worse . . . and then make them get worse?
With his dying breath, Lena’s father asks his family a cryptic question: “You couldn’t tell, could you?” After his passing, Lena stumbles upon the answer that changes her life forever.
As her revolutionary neighbor mysteriously disappears during Josef Stalin’s Great Terror purges, 18-year-old Regina suspects that she’s the Kremlin’s next target. Under cover of the night, she flees from her parents’ communal apartment in 1930s Moscow to the 20th century’s first Jewish state, Birobidzhan, on the border between Russia and China. Once there, Regina has to grapple with her preconceived notions of socialism and Judaism while asking herself the eternal question: What do we owe each other? How can we best help one another? While she contends with these queries and struggles to help Birobidzhan establish itself, love and war are on the horizon.
New York Times Bestselling Author Alina Adams draws on her own experiences as a Jewish refugee from Odessa, USSR as she provides readers a rare glimpse into the world’s first Jewish Autonomous Region. My Mother’s Secret is rooted in detailed research about a little known chapter of Soviet and Jewish history while exploring universal themes of identity, love, loss, war, and parenthood. Readers can expect a whirlwind journey as Regina finds herself and her courage within one of the century’s most tumultuous eras.
Alina is the author of soap-opera tie-ins, figure skating mysteries, and romance novels. She was born in Odessa, USSR and moved to the US with her family in 1977. She has covered figure skating for ABC, NBC, ESPN and Lifetime, and worked for the soap-operas As the World Turns, Guiding Light, All My Children, and One Life To Live. Her historical fiction novels, The Nesting Dolls (2020) and My Mother’s Secret: A Novel of the Jewish Autonomous Region are based on a combination of family history and rigorous research.
Hi there! I’m Stacy Juba, an author, freelance editor, and the founder of Shortcuts for Writers. I’d love to connect. If you’re a writer, here are a few ways we can work together:
Welcome to Justin Doyle who gave us a sneak peek behind the rewrite of his YA space opera, Embargo on Hope. Here are five areas that Justin focused on while editing his science fiction book.
Embargo on Hopetook me over fifteen years from first words on paper to publish. I worked on it sporadically until the COVID-19 pandemic hit, and I knew it was time to finally meet that lifelong goal of getting published.
I had never had anyone other than friends and family read it and provide feedback, so my line editor had some work to do. The manuscript was greatly improved by the changes below, and even better, now I know to look out for these things in my future novels (like the sequel, Assassination of Hope, coming this summer!)
This change was a major change suggested by my editor, but it made a huge difference. I had some stilted conversations where I was trying to expose details of the world that added depth and foreshadowed conflict. That included some of the “butler-and-maid” dialogue where characters were sharing things they already knew.
I was also limited by my 16-year-old protagonist’s first person perspective. There were simply things he just didn’t know or understand, so there wasn’t an easy way to introduce it into the narrative.
Finally, this allowed me to keep the story moving along. There were places where the main character was in the middle of something, but I spent a paragraph or two detracting from that thing before getting back. It really broke the flow of the novel.
Change #2: Breaking Up Action With Introspection
I had a lot of go-go-go, where one action scene would lead directly into another. My editor encouraged me to add scenes where the POV character reflected on what happened, how it affected him, and how it affected his goals. The introspection scenes not only gave the reader a chance to “take a breath,” but it helped each action scene mean more while adding depth to my character. Without the introspection, the action scenes seemed to be there more just for the sake of action.
Change #3: Several Chapters or Chapter Breaks Began With the POV Character Waking Up
When I was first writing, I was getting too hung up on “this happened, then this happened, then this happened,” even if the “this” in the middle wasn’t relevant or interesting. A great example of this is I had several chapters or chapter breaks where the character would start by waking up. It’s unnecessary and honestly a little boring. Just start your chapters a little later where things started happening. I think it was Dan Brown’s Masterclass where he said “start chapters as late as possible.” He was talking specifically about writing thrillers, but honestly I think it applies to most kinds of modern writing.
Change #4: Added Some Light-hearted/Bonding Scenes
Related to #2, I had so many action/fight scenes, which made each a little less meaningful and didn’t allow the characters to build relationships (except in the heat of battle). Adding light-hearted scenes allowed me to show different facets of all of the characters’ personalities while allowing them to build rapport, and even a love interest relationship. I was also able to use these scenes to write different settings and build some depth in the world.
Change #5: Making Sure Other Main Characters Had Their Own Goals
I think authors fall into a common trap of the character serving one or more plotlines or just the main character’s interests. My editor encouraged me to make sure not only did the other main characters have their own goals, but that I made them clear in the text. That can be difficult in a first person novel, but it can be used as a growth point for your main character, e.g. realizing the world doesn’t revolve around them. It helps explain their motivations and makes them feel more authentic. It can also help with twists – at first, something may seem “out of character” but when the reader examines their goals more closely, they realize that it made perfect sense.
5 Stars – This action-packed adventure will fully immerse the reader… any fan of science fiction or action-adventure would enjoy this book.” – Reader’s Favorite
“…a gifted story that is exceptionally compelling.” – D. Donovan, Senior Reviewer, Midwest Book Review
Even gods have secrets…
On planet Vastire, worth is set by the sins of one’s ancestors. Good families rise to the elite and the wicked fall into poverty. Unfortunately for sixteen-year-old Darynn Mark, his father incited a revolution. Now, Darynn scrounges his way through life in the slums. When Vastire is surrounded by an embargo, it gets even harder to survive.
That all changes when an alien ship slips through the embargo, seeking Darynn with an offer: finish the revolution and the embargo ends. He might have a chance thanks to mysterious magic powers, and his two companions: clairvoyant crush Fyra and soldierly alien Kaylaa. Cutthroat killers, mystical beasts, Vampires, power-hungry priests and lords, and self-serving spies stand in their way. If the three of them can crack his father’s secret, maybe they can end the embargo and save the poor. If not, another poor orphan will be added to the growing piles of dead.
More About Justin
Justin was born in Galveston, TX and raised in the Houston area. In middle school, he fell in love with two life-long pursuits: space and writing. He knew he wanted to work at NASA and write science fiction/fantasy on the side, and lo and behold, that’s exactly what he ended up doing. He graduated from Texas A&M University with a B.S. in Aerospace Engineering, and an M.S. in Systems Engineering. He now works for Barrios Technology as a project engineer on the Gateway program. He lives in the Houston area with his wife, daughter, and various small mammals.
Check out his website starmarked.mailchimpsites.com for more information on him, bonus material in the Star Marked universe, and upcoming releases.
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Hi there! I’m Stacy Juba, an author, freelance editor, and the founder of Shortcuts for Writers. I’d love to connect. If you’re a writer, here are a few ways we can work together:
Hi, my name is Maureen Fisher. As a guest blogger onBehind the Rewrite, I’m delighted to share my editing experience at Stacy Juba’s competent hands.
After reading Stacy’s 10-page edit summary of Deadly Thanksgiving (A Senior Sleuth Mystery– Book 2), I realized I’d committed some unforgivable sins as an author. Aaaaaack!I’m told my wails terrified dogs five blocks away. After the dogs and finally Iquit howling, I proceeded to consume my body weight in chocolate accompanied bya vast quantity of redwine. I don’t recommend this combo.
Once I recovered, I re-read Stacy’s comments and—with great reluctance and eye rolling—I admitted that yeah,I had to make changes. Major changes.
All joking aside, Stacy Juba conducted what could have been a devastating edit with remarkable gentleness and compassion.Deadly Thanksgivingis now a stronger book, one I can be proud of.
These are mytop five changes, none of which an author wants to hear.
Change #1: Unsympathetic Protagonist
As backstory, my main protagonist (Clara, a co-owner of Grizzly Gulch Guest Ranch), hadindulged in a short but steamyaffair involving Hawk (a Mountie and her love interest in Deadly Thanksgiving) before fleeing home, dumping him in a text message then ghosting him. At the beginning of the book, they re-connect when a group of guests arrives along with a corpse bungeed into a seat of their mini coach.
Stacy pointed out that it would be helpful if we knew earlier in the story why Clara took off on Hawk without saying goodbye. That way, the reader would understand her motivations. As it stood, the explanation of why she’d leftcame too late, allowing readers to form an unfavorable impression of her.Also, when she first meets him again, she came across as defensive and a bit antagonistic when he’ddone nothing wrong. She was the one who just took off. No wonder he was upset.
No author ever wants to create an unsympathetic protagonist. It’s amazing how I hadn’t realized readers would not regard Clara with as much affection as I did. How could they? They’d only just met her.
My Solution:This was a vital, though relatively contained modification. Here is the final version in the scene where Hawk first confronts Clara about the breakup:
“How did you find me?” I asked.
‘I’ll explain later.”He removed his red Calgary Flames baseball cap and ran long fingers through his lovely dark hair threaded with more white strands than I remembered. He jammed his cap back on and took a deep breath. “I didn’t take you for a coward. A phone call warning me you’d dumped me and flown home, would also have been a nice touch.” His expression spoke of anger and something else, perhaps sadness.
Shame brought heat to my cheeks. Hawk had every right to be upset, but how could I admit I’d fallen in love with him and done the only thing I could think of to save myself from more heartache. I’d abandoned the unsettling thrill of romance in favor of safety, something that had been all too lacking during my traumatic childhood and painful marriage. Worse, like the coward I was, I’d broken the news in a polite text message containing an apology along with an assurance the fault was all mine, not his, because I was too damaged to conduct a normal relationship.
Although Hawk didn’t realize it, he was fortunate I’d stepped out of his life.
“How did you get assigned to this particular case?” I asked, side-stepping his very valid accusation of cowardice.
Change #2: Faulty Police Procedure
Stacy pointed out that the police procedure in Deadly Thanksgivingdidn’t ring true. While it is a cozy mystery, not a police procedural, Hawk came across as unbelievable as a police officer (Mountie) even for a cozy. Although the initial death did not appear to be a murder, procedure would dictate that he interview all of these suspects individually, not just as a group. I couldn’t do that because the book is written in my heroine’s point of view (first person), and I wanted readers to meet the suspects during the questioning. Also, it wouldn’t be realistic for a Mountie to partner with civilians on a case in an undercover investigation, so Clara couldn’t be his accomplice—something, as the author, I wanted her to be. Additionally, he wouldn’t just be able to simply abandon his other law enforcement duties to work 24/7 on this one case.
My Solution: Instead of making Hawka full-fledgedMountie, he became aretired Mountie and close friend of the officer-in-charge.That way, when several more attempted murdersoccur at Grizzly Gulch Guest Ranch, Hawkis able to pose as a family friend and move into one of the onsite guest suites to keep an eye on matters, essentially acting as an undercover agent. That way, it’s easy for him to participate in brainstorming sessions about the suspects, offer advice, and use his contacts to help move the investigation along.
Change #3: Heroine Needs to Do More Sleuthing, Less Deferring
Stacy gently pointed out that Clara doesn’t do much sleuthing other than talk to Hawk about what he’d found out through background checks and calling in favors. The investigation only moves forward because of his sleuthing.As the main protagonist, Clara should find out these things herself.
My Solution: Since Hawk was no longer the Mountie in charge, I was able to swap Clara in as an informal chief investigator. This was probably the most labor-intensive and complicated part of the rewrite as it affected most of the book. At the same time, I had to find alternative activities to keep both Hawk and the Mountie-in-charge busy while reflectingClara’s expanded role.
Change #4: Sagging Middle
Stacy mentioned that after a crisis during goat yoga, it felt as if a lot of time was spent on appeasing one of the characters, which made the pacing lag. For a few chapters, not much was happening with the mystery.
My Solution: I chopped a couple of chapters, had Clara placate the aggrieved party with gifts and a heartfelt apology, nothing elaborate involving decisions, planning, and a dramatic execution, none of which moved the plot ahead.
Change #5: Climax is Too Predictable
Stacy said, and I quote, “I liked the twist … but again, we lost the whodunnit/puzzle aspect early in the third act.”
My Solution: Sorry, no spoilers. You must read Deadly Thanksgiving to find out how I solved it and kept the villain’s identity a secret until the last possible moment.
“I had a number of laugh-out-loud moments and once actually, truly, spit out some tea.”
“So funny I almost had an accident. Laughed and laughed hysterically! Loved it! Absolutely fabulous!”
Hi, I’m Clara Foster, co-owner and event manager of Alberta’s Grizzly Gulch Guest Ranch. My two sisters and I inherited the place at an age when most sensible women contemplate retirement. No one ever called us sensible.
It has been an uphill struggle. Due to extensive damage from a rogue summer tornado, the only way to avoid foreclosure is to win a lucrative hospitality contest, and that requires multiple five-star reviews. Too bad the arrival of a mini-coach full of geriatric guests, one of them a corpse, threatens to derail our gala Thanksgiving event. Worse, the retired Mountie I dumped four months ago shows up seeking closure.
It soon is apparent (though not provable) that the deceased was murdered, and everyone on board the mini-coach has a motive. To compound matters, this is our second murder of the year. Our slogan might as well be, “Try Grizzly Gulch getaways; they’re to die for.” Our guests must never learn of another murder or we might as well kiss the contest goodbye and file for bankruptcy.
The only sensible solution is for me to join forces—and possibly a whole lot more—with my former flame to smoke out a killer while hiding the murder from our guests.
Tensions mount when several near-fatal “accidents” occur.
Action bounces from a perilous nature walk to an unfortunate goat yoga incident, a mechanical bull mishap, a savage cat, an electrical malfunction, and a staff medical crisis, all culminating in a Thanksgiving feast our guests will never forget.
Warning: This book may contain nuggets of naughty boomer humor.
More About Maureen
Among other things, Maureen is an author of funny & furry adventures & misadventures, guaranteed to tickle the funny bone, lift the spirits, & warm the heart! All her books contain characters you can relate to, an animal or two, and always tons of humor. As Charlie Chaplin once said, “A day without humor is a day wasted.”
Transplanted from Scotland to Canada at the tender age of seven, she’s a voracious reader, bridge player, yoga enthusiast, animal lover, seeker of personal and spiritual growth, pickleball enthusiast, and infrequent but avid gourmet cook. Most of all, she and her husband love to travel. She’s swum with sharks in the Galapagos, walked with Bushmen in the Serengeti, sampled lamb criadillas (don’t ask!!!) in Iguazu Falls, snorkeled on the Great Barrier Reef, ridden an elephant in Thailand, watched the sun rise over Machu Picchu, and bounced from Johannesburg to Cape Town for 16 days on a bus called ‘Marula’.
Are you an author interested in writing a Behind the Rewrite guest blog post? Get the guidelines here.
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Check out Shortcuts for Writers affordable courses including Book Editing Blueprint: A Step by Step Plan to Making Your Novels Publishable, Time Management Blueprint for Writers, and the Energize Your Writing Toolkit: Cheat Sheets for Character Emotions.
Hi there! I’m Stacy Juba, an author, freelance editor, and the founder of Shortcuts for Writers. I’d love to connect. If you’re a writer, here are a few ways we can work together:
Today’s Behind the Rewrite meant a lot to me as author C.E. Flores made her revisions after taking my free editing class, Line Editing Made Simple: 5 Days to More Polished Pages. If you haven’t gone through the course, be sure to sign up. And if you took it a long time ago, sign up again as it now has an online classroom component and interactive quiz. But first, read this informative post from C.E. Flores as she gives a behind the scenes glimpse into polishing up her nonfiction book on herbal remedies.
Recently I published Volume 2 in my Mexican Herbal Remedy series. Since I needed to update the back matter to include information about the second book, I decided to use this opportunity to make some changes to Volume 1. Stacy Juba’s free course, Line Editing Made Simple: 5 Days to More Polished Pages, helped my editing processes tremendously.
First, I searched through my writing for crutch words as instructed in Lesson 1. Since my non-fiction book focuses on the medicinal uses of certain herbs, would you be surprised to learn that the word “use” was entirely overused? I found it in various forms (used, use, using, useful), at least five to ten times per chapter. I rewrote almost all of those sentences using synonyms such as remedy, treatment, therapy, and so on.
Then, from Lesson 3, I went through the book again, looking for the five common offenders (some, that, very, as, just). I found entirely too many instances of “some,” “that,” and “just” plus my personal nemesis “so.” Those sentences received a little tightening up. Additionally, I took a leaf out of Lesson 5’s book and checked my prepositions. “In order to” was there almost as many times as “use” had been. Wordy phrases–be gone!
Lesson 4 had me go back through for dangling modifiers that disrupt the meaning of the sentence. I was guilty there as well. Some of the sentences needed complete rewrites. I took this opportunity to reduce passive voice use as well. I most certainly want to say what I mean and mean what I say when writing about these fascinating herbs and be clear about it.
I took to heart Stacy’s comment, “Your job is to finish your manuscript and to make it your best work, a professional book that will stand out from the competition and attract positive attention.”
Since I was on a roll, I made a few additional changes. The herb book was initially designed to record my own experiences with Mexican remedies. After completing Volume 2, I felt like I had a better idea of what I wanted to accomplish and what would appeal more to my readers. So, in my editing process for Volume 1, I took out several personal anecdotes about the herbs and added a bit more history in some cases and scientific support in others.
Then I switched out most of the images with better quality ones. After all, part of learning about the traditional use of these herbs was proper plant identification. A higher resolution image will aid herbalists interested in foraging their own supply. I also changed the cover so that it was more similar to other herb books on the market. With a much-improved manuscript, I republished Exploring Traditional Herbal Remedies in Mexico: An Introduction to Natural Healing. Thanks for your guidance, Stacy!
More About The Book
Curanderos (healers) in Mexico still practice traditional herbal remedies learned centuries ago. It is only recently that scientists have begun to take these healing practices seriously. Study after study has validated the medicinal use of plants native to North America and those brought by the Spanish after the conquest. It’s time to reexamine the basic healing power in 34 common remedies used by traditional Mexican healers.
InExploring Traditional Herbal Remedies in Mexico: An Introduction to Natural Healing,you’ll discover:
34 traditional Mexican remedies
Effective herbal treatments for common ailments
Well-researched scientific support for herbal use
Accurate botanical identification of native Mexican plants
C.E. Flores was born in the Eastern United States and currently lives in central Mexico. She received her Bachelor’s in Education at the University of Nebraska–Lincoln and picked up her husband while attending there. She writes about her wild and crazy off-grid life in rural Mexico as well as references books for ex-pats, writers, bloggers, preppers, and herbalists.
Does the thought of editing your book seem overwhelming? If your manuscript could use trimming and polishing, sign up for this free mini course. It features bite-sized concepts and assignments to help you kick-start your line editing.
Here’s what you’ll learn inside this course, led by author and freelance editor Stacy Juba:
Lesson 1: The one thing that will jump-start your editing.
Lesson 2: Three mistakes you may be making and what to do instead.
Lesson 3: Five little words you need to start cutting now.
Lesson 4: The truth about editing.
Lesson 5: Struggling with wordy sentences? This will help.
Hi there! I’m Stacy Juba, an author, freelance editor, and the founder of Shortcuts for Writers. I’d love to connect. If you’re a writer, here are a few ways we can work together:
It’s always fascinating to see what goes into the rewrite process. I’m delighted to welcome Amber Lambda, who shares five changes she made to her YA fantasy novel, Halos. Below, Amber, describes the fiction editing techniques she used when revising her book.
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Rewriting and revising a novel takes a lot of patience and willpower—especially to change and cut away from your beloved, original ideas! But once you get past that bittersweet feeling, it’s so worth it to see your story grow into something you love even better. Here are five of the biggest changes I made to Halos and can’t imagine it without those changes now!
First Chapter Rewrites
As I’m sure most authors would agree, one of the hardest parts of writing a book is getting the first chapter to work right. I started with the list of things that a first chapter needed and checked it all off. I included the story’s theme about chasing dreams, my main character, her goals, conflict with her best friend that helped set up the stakes, and a strong hook at the end to pique the reader’s interest and start the story… but something just wasn’t clicking. After several readers, and just as many rewrites, I realized I had the answer all along. The elements were all there—but they indeed weren’t clicking. Instead of being parts of a complete story coming together, they seemed unrelated. With that magical realization, I rewrote it once more, pulling everything together to fit the overall story and genre, and it did the trick. My beta readers loved it, and so did I!
Added POV
When drafting Halos the first time, I wrote from the limited POV of my protagonist, Faye. During my read-through to start revisions, however, part of the story appeared to be missing. I could fill in the details as the author, but it hadn’t made it to the page for readers to experience. This inspired me to include the love interest’s POV on the next draft. Adding Icarus’s side of the story not only gave insight into the world and plot where Faye’s POV didn’t cover, but it made Icarus’s character arc much richer, paralleling Faye’s arc in a way that wasn’t shown before.
Expanding A Character’s Role
Another element that I changed to make more sense for the reader was bringing Faye’s friend Andrew back into the story at an earlier stage than intended. After relating to Faye’s main internal conflict in the first chapter, he didn’t come up again in person until closer to the end of the story. At first, I brought him back earlier because he reappeared without enough foreshadowing. But his presence also acted as a catalyst for tension throughout the middle of the story, making for a better plot and character motivations.
Removing Characters Who Didn’t Serve The Story
On an opposite note, I cut two characters out from the original story. They added drama and complexity—but that isn’t always what’s best. I found it difficult to layer them into the plot naturally, and they took away from the themes and effect I was aiming for. It was a tough choice, but once I took them out, the message of the story became much clearer and gave more room to emphasize the pieces that highlighted it instead.
Added Connecting Scenes
Have you ever read a book where it almost seemed like you missed something, so you went back to look, and you hadn’t? My early drafts had a few places like that, where readers needed a little more shown about what happened between scenes. In some areas, it worked better to summarize instead of adding an entire scene that would feel like filler. But in most places, I fleshed out new scenes to show what happened, while simultaneously showing character interaction and growth, especially for side characters.
In the end, between the added POV, deeper themes, and the extra connecting scenes, my 36-chapter outline turned into a 43-chapter novel, at just the recommended word count for my genre. And my story transformed into a creation I loved more than ever!
More About Halos
Daydreamer Faye Wallace believes her recurring dreams of flying ships have a purpose beyond fantasy. And when Icarus—her swoon-worthy dream boy—knocks on the door, reality is swept away with her heart. Charged with saving the sky world of Halos from a destiny of prophesied doom, Faye embarks on a journey to relive her whimsical visions. Except for one problem: nothing about Halos matches what she remembers. Including Icarus.
Faye must sift truth from imagination and become the girl who saves her dreams—before they create a nightmare she can’t return from.
Amber Lambda is a YA romance, fantasy, and soft sci-fi author from the dreamy Midwest plains. Her mission is to write stories clean enough for the younger range of the YA crowd, but laced with themes and ideas that older teens (and adults!) will relate to and love just the same.
Hi there! I’m Stacy Juba, an author, freelance editor, and the founder of Shortcuts for Writers. I’d love to connect. If you’re a writer, here are a few ways we can work together:
As a freelance developmental editor, I often send long editorial letters and suggest major rewrites. When clients are discouraged, I remind them that I’m an author, too, and can relate to difficult rewrites. However, I’m not entirely sure they believe me! So, I’m going to prove it in two Behind the Rewrite posts, starting with this one focusing on rewriting an old manuscript—my young adult ice hockey novel, Offsides. Watch for another post on rewriting my chick lit novel, Fooling Around With Cinderella.These books are about as opposite as you can get, but they share one thing in common.
Heavy rewrites!
I wrote the original version of Offsides, the sequel to my YA hockey novel Face-Off, back in 1992 when I was a teenager. Although Face-Off had been published with great success when I was eighteen, garnering positive reviews in Booklist, Publisher’s Weekly, and School Library Journal, Offsides was rejected by my publisher. There had been a lot of turnover at the company, and all the editors I knew had left. Even though I was receiving fan mail from kids begging for a sequel, the book got rejected with a form letter. At the time, I was incredibly disappointed.
In hindsight, I’m relieved as that story wasn’t ready to be told back then. Twenty-five years later, I rewrote my original draft and published it. The hard copy had been buried in a drawer and I paid someone to scan it so that I could work with it digitally. The published version of Offsides is so much better than the manuscript penned by my 19-year-old self. Part of Face-Off‘s charm is that it was written by a teenager for teenagers. The characters grow quite a bit in the sequel, and I’m glad that I was able to bring a different level of maturity to the story, a maturity that I wasn’t capable of conveying as a teenager. It was also fun updating the book with references to texting and social media.
But more importantly, over the decades, I’ve grown as a writer and editor. My self-editing skills in 1992 and my self-editing skills now aren’t even comparable. Below is an unedited scene from my original draft of Offsides. I’ll let you read it, and then I’ll give you my editorial assessment before sharing the published version. The scene is between two of “my McKendrick boys,” twin hockey players Brad and T.J., the protagonists. They tell the story in alternating viewpoints for each chapter.
Unedited Version From 1992
That night, Brad turned on his side, the moonlight pouring through the window. In the bottom bunk, T.J. shifted. “You awake?” T.J. asked. “Yep.” “Can I tell you something?” “What?” “I’m going to BC” “Even if you get accepted at Harvard?” “I’m not gonna get accepted,” T.J. said.“How do you know?” “I didn’t apply.” It was quiet except for a car passing outside. Its lights flickered against the wall. “What do you mean? You told everyone you did.” ”I didn’t want Dad to find out.” “But he keeps asking you about it. What are you gonna do?” “Say I didn’t.” “And let him think you weren’t good enough? T.J., you should tell him the truth,” Brad said. “Do you know how ticked off he’ll be?” “So let him be. It’s your decision, T.J. You’ve got to take a stand.” “I guess you’re right.” Brad rolled over. “How come you’re still awake?” T.J. asked. “I’ve been thinking about college, and if I’d still be going if I didn’t have hockey.” “Sure you would. I told you, your grades have improved a lot.” “I wouldn’t have a chance at BU.” “You don’t know that,” T.J. replied. “It doesn’t matter how you get there, Brad, just as long as you get there.” ”I guess. Now do me a favor and shut up. I’m exhausted.” “If you’d tell Dad about Harvard for me I could get to sleep.” “Forget it. I want to reach my eighteenth birthday,” Brad said, and T.J. pushed up on his bunk.
Editorial Notes To Myself
First, the scene is a bit choppy. There’s a lot of dialogue and not much description or internal thought to balance it out. By just reading this passage, it’s not clear whose head we’re supposed to be in. Probably Brad’s, since he is mentioned first, but we never get in his thoughts. Dialogue was always one of my strengths, but I didn’t master deep point of view until my thirties.
Another issue is that the boys, who are high school seniors, are talking about going straight to college to play Division 1 ice hockey. Nowadays, that’s not the typical route. Before joining a D1 men’s hockey team, most players need to delay college and spend time developing their skills in a high-level junior league. I’m not sure how it worked in 1992—whether thing have changed since then, or whether I just didn’t research it enough and got it all wrong. There was no Internet back then, so research wasn’t as easy as it is today.
The scene also lacks conflict and tension. Below is my final version. I’ll put some notes in bold so you can see why I made these changes.
Final Version
That night, Brad lay awake in the top bunk, staring at the ceiling. A night light glimmered in the corner and shadows bathed the small television, TV stand, and student desk. All the discussion about junior and college reminded him how drastically his life was changing. His parents splitting up last December with no reconciliation in sight. Playing his final season of high school hockey with friends he’d known for years. And even though Brad believed he had a chance of making the NHL, the long winding road ahead scared the hell out of him. (Note the setting details and internal thought. These additions help us to visualize the room better and clearly establish that Brad is the viewpoint character of this scene.)
What if he didn’t like his host family? Even though they got on his nerves, Brad would miss his own boisterous family. What if he didn’t click with his new coaches or had a difficult time adjusting to a higher level of play? Then there was Sherry. His friends thought their relationship was a high school thing. Brad thought it was more. If he joined a junior team in the Northeast rather than the Midwest, could he talk her out of Florida? (Note that there is even more internal thought here to help us get deep into Brad’s head. The host family and junior team references were rewrites to reflect a more believable path to D1 hockey.)
In the bottom bunk, T.J. shifted, and the mattress creaked. “You awake?”
“Yeah,” Brad said.
“Thanks for trying with Dad. I’m so sick of him pushing me about college. It’s probably better I’m not going next fall. I’d have no clue what to major in.”
“What happened to management and leadership?”
“That’s just what I’ve been telling scouts. You’re lucky to have your major picked out.”
Having an interest in broadcasting didn’t mean Brad would excel at it. As their father stated, academics wasn’t his strength, and college was harder than high school. Brad sighed, his stomach clenching in a knot. (More internal thought to keep the scene in Brad’s POV.)
“What’s wrong?” T.J. asked.
It was quiet except for a car driving into the resident parking lot. Brad didn’t know how much to admit. What was he supposed to say? That he feared getting homesick and not fitting in? That despite his big talk, he worried that he wouldn’t be good enough? (More internal thought. I have gotten much better at deep POV since writing the original draft as a teen.)
“Is it Sherry and the Florida thing?”
“Yeah. It’s Sherry.” Might as well confess that much since T.J. suspected it was bothering him. “I’m wondering whether she’d stay if I played junior locally.”
“You mean in the NCDC?”
The National Collegiate Development Conference was a tuition-free junior league in the Northeast, making it an attractive opportunity for players throughout the region. Brad rolled onto his side and peered over the edge of his bed though he couldn’t see T.J.’s face in the darkness. (Here I added some more authenticity about junior hockey and a little description.)
“It’s a good league. A lot of their guys are getting commitments. Trey wants to get on one of those teams.”
“Yeah, but I thought we were both going for the USHL,” T.J. said.
They’d selected the more established USHL as a first choice because so many D1 players and NHL draft picks had ties to the league. Brad and T.J. met some scouts at camp and had been corresponding with several over email. They might not get on the same team, but they’d agreed this was their ideal steppingstone. (Note how the dialogue in the rewrite has more tension than the original and hints at more problems.)
“What, I can’t change my mind?” Brad leaned up on his elbow, glaring down at the lower bunk.
“Because of a girl?” T.J. asked sharply. “You’re seventeen.”
“Sherry’s not just some girl. You have a new girlfriend every other week, so don’t go giving me relationship advice.” Brad and Sherry disagreed over how long it would take his brother to dump Kayla. Sherry expected them to attend Prom together. Brad gave it till mid-January before T.J. claimed she was too clingy and moved on to someone else. (This gets us into Brad’s head and also gives insight into T.J.)
Swearing under his breath, T.J. got up and crossed the room. He switched on the light, and Brad winced. “Damn it, T.J.”
T.J. paced in his Bayview T-shirt and sweatpants. They both wore exercise clothes to bed and worked out when they woke up. “Even if you two stayed in New England, how often do you think you’d see her? Your life will revolve around hockey. You’ll have games on weekends, a lot of them away games. She’ll be busy with school. I don’t get the logic here.”
“I’d see her a lot more than if she’s in Florida and I’m in freakin’ Nebraska,” Brad growled. (This dialogue is more interesting than in the original as it shows conflict between them.)
“All I’m saying is you’ll be wrapped up in the team. Do you really think it’s fair to pressure her to give up Florida? I get that you’ll miss her. But you’ll both come home sometimes. In between, you can FaceTime and text.” (I added the FaceTiming and texting to make it more current for today’s readers.)
Brad flopped onto his back, the fight seeping out of him. “You think I’m being selfish?”
“You’re just not thinking this through.”
“But long-distance is hard. It might not work.”
“Dude, it’s your high school girlfriend. Stop stressing over this. Who knows if you’ll even be together next year?” T.J. flicked off the light. (This is a much stronger ending for the scene.)
Want To Read The Book?
Face-Off’s McKendrick brothers return in this explosive sequel,an action-packed hockey book for teens and tweens.
Twin hockey stars T.J. and Brad have finally resolved their differences and forged a friendship on and off the ice. Now high school seniors, they focus on landing a commitment to a D1 school.
What should have been the best year ever takes a nasty hit when the boys’ parents announce their divorce, and Brad makes a mistake that could impact his game eligibility. Meanwhile, T.J. faces off against their father, who opposes his decision to delay college and pursue junior hockey.
Adding to the tension are a rebellious kid brother, girlfriend trouble, and recruiting pressure. The turmoil threatens to drive the twins apart just when they need to work together the most. With a championship title and their futures at stake, T.J. and Brad must fight to keep from going offsides.
I hope you enjoyed this sneak peek into my writing and editing process! Maybe it will inspire some of you to rewrite an old manuscript. There are some manuscripts in my drawer that will remain there, but Offsides was one that I knew had potential.
You’re probably aware that I’m a freelance editor and creator of online courses for writers. (If you don’t know that, then feel free to explore my website!)
I’ve also written books about theme park princesses, teen psychics, U.S. flag etiquette for kids, and determined women sleuths. I’ve had novels ranked as #5 and #11 in the Nook Store and #30 on the Amazon Kindle Paid List. You can learn more about my books on my other websites.
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Hi there! I’m Stacy Juba, an author, freelance editor, and the founder of Shortcuts for Writers. I’d love to connect. If you’re a writer, here are a few ways we can work together:
I’m always fascinated by how authors approach the rewrite process, but there’s one type of project I’ve never considered before: turning a script into a book. When I was researching SEO tags for this post, I discovered that lots of people search for phrases like “how to turn a script into a novel.” Well, author D.G. Driver has valuable tips for you and she shares them in the below Behind the Rewrite. D.G. will take you behind the scenes of revising her script for Songwriter Night: A Musical Romance into book form. That’s right. It wasn’t just any script. It was a script for a musical! I’m sure you’ll find this post as intriguing as I did.
In addition to being a writer, I’m also an actress and theater director here in Nashville. Last year, when all the theaters in town closed, lots of theater types were creating virtual ways to do shows. I got a crazy idea to combine my novel writing skills with my love of musical theater and decided to write a story that featured songs, hire a cast to record it, and release it as a full cast audiobook called Songwriter Night: A Musical Romance.
Only there was a hitch. In order to have it available on Audible, there had to be a corresponding book. Well, even though the narration in the book is novelesque, I wrote Songwriter Night in script format. I had to revise and reformat the whole manuscript. The narration and dialogue remain 95 percent the same, but there were some definite snags that I want to share with you that makes up that other 5 percent. Here’s how I handled them and what I learned.
How To Write The Song Lyrics
There are twelve songs in Songwriter Night. Most of these have the typical verse-chorus-verse-chorus-bridge-chorus structure typical of Country music. It felt tedious to have so much repetition of lyrics in the book version. Also, the reader can’t hear the songs like in the audiobook version, so I had to figure out how to help the reader imagine what the songs sound like. Here is an example of how I did this for one of the songs.
In this scene, Aiden, a former member of the group who’s hit the big time, has come back to show off one of his new songs, and he’s brought backup singers to sing it with him.
The three of them sing the chorus again. Instead of a bridge, the song repeats the last half of the verse, similar to the way Lyle had written his song.
“You took her on one date, and I took her to prom.” She didn’t stick with either of us very long. What do you say to finally letting that rest? Clink my beer and let’s reminisce.”
A slightly longer hold on the chord builds up to the final chorus, where Aiden embellishes the notes. Trish wonders if a key change might have been effective here, but she doesn’t think it’s her place to suggest it. Aiden repeats the final line of the chorus with a nice run on ‘old days’ and a chord change to emphasize it. The girls end the song with some pretty ‘oohs’ that remind her of songs from another era. Nice choice.
Action In Narration Versus Dialogue Tags
One real plus to writing a script is that I don’t have to write “He said/she said” dialogue tags at all. With this being a full cast recording, all the actors are played by different people with distinct voices. I didn’t need to write who said what. Personally, I love books where instead of using tags, the author uses action from the character to denote who is speaking. I did this a lot more for this project than my other works. It needed a little revision from the way it looked in a script to what it needed to be for a book, though.
Here’s an example from the audiobook script:
NARRATOR: Maybe she should sing a cappella. Does anyone do that here? TRISH: Is there anything to drink? LYLE: Yeah. What do you want? NARRATOR: Lyle leaps out of his chair before Trish even thinks about standing and getting the drink for herself. She looks past him at the assortment on the counter. TRISH: Water will be fine. Thank you. LYLE: Happy to be of service. NARRATOR: He hands her the water, and their fingers overlap for a moment. His fingertips are callused from playing guitar, and they scratch her knuckles ever so slightly as he whisks his hand away. She opens the bottle and puts it to her mouth, hoping he won’t see her blushing.
Now, here’s the same scene reformatted for the book.
Maybe she should sing a cappella. Does anyone do that here? “Is there anything to drink?” she asks. “Yeah. What do you want?” Lyle leaps out of his chair before Trish even thinks about standing and getting the drink for herself. She looks past him at the assortment on the counter. “Water will be fine. Thank you.” “Happy to be of service.” He hands her the water, and their fingers overlap for a moment. His fingertips are callused from playing guitar, and they scratch her knuckles ever so slightly as he whisks his hand away. She opens the bottle and puts it to her mouth, hoping he won’t see her blushing.
Adding Dialogue Tags
So, I couldn’t get away completely with narration guiding the reader toward who is speaking, especially in scenes where there are more than two people having a conversation. I definitely had to use dialogue tags. I will tell you, when your main job is to go through your manuscript and tag dialogue, it gets awfully repetitive writing “he says” and “she says” over and over. You become intensely aware of how often you’re writing that. On the other, hand, you don’t want your tags to be too all over the place or filled with unnecessary adverbs. Then it gets annoying.
Here’s a group scene from the original script:
NARRATOR: Tammy huffs instead of answers. George raises an eyebrow to acknowledge that he won that round. The rest of the group is frozen in uncomfortable silence. NEIL: So, uh, are we continuing or not? GEORGE: Yeah, let’s go on. NARRATOR: George strums his guitar, and Neil begins to play. TAMMY: You’re all going to sit here and let him embarrass me like this. ROY: It sounds like a good song. A real tears in my beer heartbreaker. ODETTA: I’m interested to hear how the rest of it goes. Sad songs are the clay that Country music builds with. NARRATOR: George looks at Lyle who gives him an approving nod. TAMMY: I’d like to point out that the middle part – the chorus? That’s mine. I wrote that. GEORGE: You did not. TAMMY: I did.
And here’s the novelized version. Note the variety in the tags:
After a moment, Neil asks cautiously, “So, uh, are we continuing or not?” “Yeah, let’s go on.” George strums his guitar, and Neil begins to play. Tammy says to the group, “You’re all going to sit here and let him embarrass me like this?” The music stops again. “It sounds like a good song,” Roy responds. “A real tears-in-my-beer heartbreaker.” Odetta agrees, “I’m interested to hear how the rest of it goes. Sad songs are the clay that Country music builds with.” George looks at Lyle who gives him an approving nod. Tammy’s not done yet. “I’d like to point out that the middle part – the chorus? That’s mine. I wrote that.” “You did not,” George says. “I did.” She sings a cappella to a tune very similar to the chorus of George’s song. When I write first drafts, it is sometimes the dialogue tags that cause me to trip up or hit a block. I want to keep going with the action and dialogue and not waste time figuring out how to show who is saying what. Writing in script format first and then going back through the manuscript to adapt it to book format helped make this a more streamlined process. I may try this again with other projects.
More About Songwriter Night: A Musical Romance
In this sweet romantic comedy, Lyle and Trish are two aspiring Country music songwriters that meet at a Nashville coffee house. With Trish being new in town, Lyle invites her to his monthly gathering of songwriters to get to know her better. The evening of quirky characters and light-hearted singing is interrupted by the arrival of Aiden Bronson. He’s got a hit song on the radio, and he’s back to show off, stirring up some rivalry while he’s at it. How will Lyle compete against Aiden’s charisma and talent in order to win Trish’s heart?
Buy it in ebook and paperback formats on Amazon. It’s also available as a full cast audiobook recording wherever you like to get your audiobooks and podcasts. Find all those links, hear samples, and meet the cast on D.G.’s website.
More About D.G. Driver
D.G. Driver is a multi-award-winning author of young adult and middle grade books. She primarily writes contemporary fantasy, but she also loves writing realistic fiction and has even dabbled in romance. D.G. lives near Nashville, TN and is a teacher in an inclusive classroom of typically developing and special needs children in an early Intervention program. Visit her on the web at:
Hi there! I’m Stacy Juba, an author, freelance editor, and the founder of Shortcuts for Writers. I’d love to connect. If you’re a writer, here are a few ways we can work together:
