by Stacy | Nov 16, 2020 | Behind the Rewrite, Line Editing

When I read Judy Penz Sheluk’s Behind the Rewrite post, I chuckled as boy, does it ring true! We all have crutch words and phrases that we rely on when we’re talking to others. It drives me crazy when I listen to myself in a podcast interview and hear myself say “you know.” Writers also have to worry about using crutch words in their books. One of my favorite, (okay, overused) words in my own fiction is “as.” As a developmental editor, I’ve discovered that EVERY writer has their favorite overused words. Judy’s post is a great lesson for beginner writers and a terrific reminder for seasoned authors.
It was while golfing this past summer that I first noticed it. Every time one of my foursome hit an errant shotâand there were manyâsheâd say, âAre you kidding me?â At first, I found it amusing. After a while, I started counting the number of times sheâd say it. I stopped at seventeen.
I remember thinking, at the time, that I could never get away with that in a novel. True, characters have quirks, and dialogue needs to be authentic, but too many âAre you kidding meâsâ and the reader is going to find it distracting at best, and annoying at worst.Â
That thought was firmly in my mind when I was rereading Where Thereâs A Will, the third and final book in my Glass Dolphin cozy mystery series, before sending out ARCs and getting the manuscript ready for my proofreader.Â
Because Iâd already read the book more times than I cared to remember, and because it had gone through four beta readers, I didnât expect to find any instances of âAre you kidding me?â and I didnât. What I did find was an inordinate number of âgiven this or thatâĤâ And when I say inordinate I mean twenty-nine. How had I missed those? How had everyone else?
Since the âgivensâ were scattered throughout the book, Iâm going to share six examples, before and after.Â
Example #1
Before: The break-up with Hudson had caused a few minor ripples in Emilyâs life, given that she had recently become engaged to his best friend, Luke Surmanski, but it was nothing they couldnât work around.
After: The break-up with Hudson had caused a few minor ripples in Emilyâs life. She had recently become engaged to his best friend, Luke Surmanski, but it was nothing they couldnât work around.
Example #2
Before: Emily had hesitated at first, given what she knew about the propertyâs history. How many people wanted to buy a house where the owner had been murdered, especially since the case had never been solved?
After: Didnât change a word. Some âgivensâ are okay, and I thought it worked well in this instance.
Example #3
Before: Emily didnât believe him, given that he was the CEO of Pemberton Productions and his TV show had been a ratings winner for the past five seasons.
After: Emily didnât believe him. He was the CEO of Pemberton Productions and his TV show had been a ratings winner for the past five seasons.
Example #4
Before: Arabella wanted to laugh out loud. Trust Poppy to refer to a murder as a âcircumstance.â Then again, maybe she was being a hypocrite, given that sheâd just signed a contract with Faye Everett.
After: Arabella wanted to laugh out loud. Trust Poppy to refer to a murder as a âcircumstance.â Then again, maybe she was being a hypocrite, since sheâd just signed a contract with Faye Everett.
Example #5
Before: In Arabellaâs experience, all secrets tended to weigh heavily, given enough time and perspective.
After: In Arabellaâs experience, all secrets tended to weigh heavily, with enough time and perspective.
Example #6
Before: They agreed to split up, Levon staying at the Hadley house to finish the appraisal, time being of the essence given this latest set of circumstances, and Arabella charged with finding a lawyer.
After: They agreed to split up, Levon staying at the Hadley house to finish the appraisal, time being of the essence with this latest set of circumstances, and Arabella charged with finding a lawyer.

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Emily Garland is getting married and looking for the perfect forever home. When the old, and some say haunted, Hadley house comes up for sale, sheâs convinced itâs âthe one.â The house is also perfect for reality TV star Miles Pemberton and his new series, House Haunters. Emily will fight for her dream home, but Pembertonâs pockets are deeper than Emilyâs, and heâll stretch the rules to get what he wants.
While Pemberton racks up enemies all around Lountâs Landing, Arabella Carpenter, Emilyâs partner at the Glass Dolphin antiques shop, has been hired to appraise the contents of the estate, along with her ex-husband, Levon. Could the feuding beneficiaries decide thereâs a conflict of interest? Could Pemberton?
Things get even more complicated when Arabella and Levon discover another will hidden inside the house, and with it, a decades-old secret. Can the property stay on the market? And if so, who will make the winning offer: Emily or Miles Pemberton?
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More About Judy
A former journalist and magazine editor, Judy Penz Sheluk is the author of two mystery series: the Glass Dolphin Mysteries and the Marketville Mysteries. Her short crime fiction appears in several collections, including The Best Laid Plans and Heartbreaks & Half-truths, which she also edited. Judy is a member of Sisters in Crime, International Thriller Writers, the Short Mystery Fiction Society, and Crime Writers of Canada, where she serves as Chair on the Board of Directors.Â
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Opportunities For Writers
Are you an author interested in writing a Behind the Rewrite guest blog post? Get the guidelines here.
Are you a writer who could use some editing tips? Check out Stacyâs free resources:
Line Editing Made Simpleâ5 Days to More Polished Pages â Free e-mail class packed with line editing tips
Shortcuts for Writers: Editing Made Simple Facebook group â Download the guide, 7 Simple Steps to Nailing Your Book Blurb in Unit 1.
How To Name Your Characters: Tips Every Fiction Writer Should Know â Check out this extensive post on naming your characters, an informative video tour of 7 character-naming sites, and a free PDF guide that summarizes all the information.
Book Editing Blueprint: A Step-By-Step Plan to Making Your Novels Publishable â Learn how to streamline the editing process in this affordable, self-paced online course that will empower beginner and intermediate writers to think like an editor so they can save time and money. A steppingstone to hiring an editor.
by Stacy | May 25, 2020 | Behind the Rewrite, Line Editing

In this Behind the Rewrite installment, author Alice Renaud shows how to flesh out and improve the flow of a scene through line editing, using an excerpt from her fantasy romance novel, Music for a Merman.
Alice Renaud’s Behind The Rewrite
The hero, Rob, a shape-shifting merman working as a cop, is falling in love with a human woman, Charlie, in defiance of the laws of his people. In this passage, Rob has just had breakfast with his sergeant, Jack, in the police station. As he leaves the station to go back to his flat, he composes a merman love song for Charlie.
In the first version, we jump straight from Jackâs line of dialogue to Rob composing the song, without any transition, which is jarring. Then Rob hums the song before thinking that the song comes from the deepest place in his heart. It doesnât seem to be the right order.
The revised version shows Rob saying goodbye to his boss, leaving the station, and reaching the sidewalk. Thereâs a song on the radio, he whistles along to it, then he gets the inspiration for a new songâa mermanâs song. The edits aim to improve the flow of the scene and highlight Robâs musical talent, as well as his forbidden love for the human woman. I also added a bit more about his brother, who unlike Rob fell in love with a mermaid, so he was able to marry her and have children.
Unedited Version
âCourse you can.â Jack pulled the local paper towards him and turned to the crossword page. âIâm here, and Frank will be along, as soon as heâs taken his youngest to her scuba-diving class. Take the rest of the day off. Iâll see you tomorrow morning.â
The song came to Rob as he walked up the street towards his rented flat. He hummed it to himself, the clicks and whistles bouncing around the whitewashed walls and glistening cobblestones. It came out of the deepest place in his heart, fluid and passionate. His eldest brother Rhodri had composed a similar tune once, when he was courting the mermaid who had become his mate.

Edited Version
âCourse you can.â Jack pulled the local newspaper towards him and turned to the crossword page. âIâm here, and Frank will be along, as soon as heâs taken his youngest to her scuba-diving class. Take the rest of the day off.â A folk song came on the radio, and he hummed along with it, tapping his pencil against the paper.
Rob grabbed his jacket from the back of a chair. âThanks! Iâll see you tomorrow morning.â
The catchy melody followed him along the corridor, and he could still hear it as he left the police station. He stood on the sidewalk and whistled a few bars. Inside him, from the deepest place in his heart, another song began to grow. A mermanâs song, richer and more passionate than anything on the human radio. But he couldnât sing aloud in the middle of the street. He began to walk towards his flat, humming to himself. The clicks and whistles bounced around the whitewashed walls and glistening cobblestones.
His brother Rhodri had sung a lot, when he was courting the mermaid who had become his mate. But his tunes had been happier. Heâd had the sense to fall for a girl that his father approved of, a good mermaid of the Regor Clan. Thereâd never been any doubt that they would marry, and their first merbaby was already on the way. Rhodri would never know what it was like to long for an unsuitable mate, someone he couldnât keep.
Want To Read The Rest Of The Book?
Music for a Merman, a Sea of Love novel – Rob Regor knew that humans were trouble. All the shape shifting mermen of the Morvann Islands knew it. And human women were double trouble… especially when they were lying on the road in front of a digger. Rob has a mission. Go to the mainland. Work as a policeman. Spy on humans. Report back to his father, the head of the Regor Merman Clan. It should be easy. Until he has to arrest Charlie. Rob canât fight his attraction to the sexy eco-warrior, and it puts him on one hell of a collision course with his family and his Clan. Will he break the rules â or break her heart, and his? Love âem and leave âem, that was Charlieâs motto. It had served her well until now. But Rob is differentâĤ Can she open up her heart to Robâwhen a secret buried in her past surfaces and changes her completely? Books in the Sea of Love series can be read independently.
More About Alice Renaud
Alice lives in London, UK, with her husband and son. By day she’s a compliance manager for a pharmaceutical company. By night she writes fantasy romance about shape shifting mermen, water monsters and time-travelling witches. Her first book, A Mermanâs Choice, was published in January 2019 by Black Velvet Seductions. It is the first book in a fantasy romance trilogy inspired by the landscapes and legends of Brittany and Wales. The second book, Music for a Merman, is out now and the third, Mermaids Marry in Green will be released later this year. Alice has also written a short story, The Sweetest Magic of All, included in the BVS Mystic Desire anthology, out now. Alice loves reading and writing stories, and sharing them with anyone whoâs interested!
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Opportunities For Writers
Are you an author interested in writing a Behind the Rewrite guest blog post? Get the guidelines here.
Are you a writer who could use some editing tips? Check out Stacyâs free resources:
Line Editing Made Simpleâ5 Days to More Polished Pages â Free e-mail class packed with line editing tips
Shortcuts for Writers: Editing Made Simple Facebook group â Download the guide, 7 Simple Steps to Nailing Your Book Blurb in Unit 1.
How To Name Your Characters: Tips Every Fiction Writer Should Know â Check out this extensive post on naming your characters, an informative video tour of 7 character-naming sites, and a free PDF guide that summarizes all the information.
Book Editing Blueprint: A Step-By-Step Plan to Making Your Novels Publishable â Learn how to streamline the editing process in this affordable, self-paced online course that will empower beginner and intermediate writers to think like an editor so they can save time and money. A steppingstone to hiring an editor.
by Stacy | May 11, 2020 | Behind the Rewrite, Line Editing

Do you ever grapple with wordiness in your manuscripts? Below, J. Arlene Culiner shows you a before-and-after from her romantic mystery book, The Turkish Affair, demonstrating the importance of tightening your manuscript.
J. Arlene Culiner’s Behind The Rewrite
The section Iâve chosen to present is from my romantic mystery, The Turkish Affair, published in January, 2020, by The Wild Rose Press. The earlier version needed tighteningâit was too wordy. I knew I could cut and the story would be more interesting, especially since the phrases I wanted to eliminate had already been said in previous chapters.
Also, I knew it was better to imply certain things, not hammer them home. I changed words as well, using others I considered more effective .
 Earlier Version
âOkay then.â His voice was surprisingly tender. âIf I promise not to probe into your past, do I have the right to ask one question?â
Her sigh was one of resignation.
âCan I trust you?â
The answer to that was simple enough. Despite the rumors that had destroyed her life. She nodded. âYes. Of course you can.â
His smile was radiant. âGood.â
She stared at him helplessly, at his strong, angular features highlighted by the merciless sun.
âThatâs crazy. Youâre willing to take my word for it? I could be lying.â
He slipped a finger under her chin, forced her to meet his gaze. âNo way. Not with a face as expressive as yours.â
***
âIâm telling you everything I know,â he began.
She nodded in assent, but her reluctance was almost palpable. Still, he needed to push on. Confide in her, for some crazy reason he couldnât yet understand. If only he didnât enjoy being with her so much, he thought. If only he didnât admire her fierce independence. Or the sight of her, sitting forward, lips slightly parted, elbows on her knees, listening to his every word. It gave him the strange feeling they were, in some strange way, a matched pair. And allowing in emotions like that, left him vulnerable. He knew that. And he just didnât care. Not anymoreânot for the moment, anyway.

Edited Version
Here is the same version with the things I decided to cut or words I wanted to change, or words I added because they were better (where I made changes is in bold)
âOkay then.â His voice was surprisingly tender. âIf I promise not to probe into your past, do I have the right to ask one question?â
Her sigh was one of resignation.
âCan I trust you?â
The answer to that was simple enough. Despite the rumors that had destroyed her life. She nodded. âYes. Of course you can.â
His (word added) smile was radiant. âGood.â
She stared at him helplessly, at his strong, angular features highlighted by the merciless sun.
âThatâs crazy. Youâre willing to take my word for it? I could be lying.â (line change)
He slipped a finger under her chin, forced her to meet his gaze. âNo way. Not with a face as expressive as yours.â
***
âIâm telling you everything I know,â he began.
She nodded in assent, but her reluctance was almost palpable. Still, he needed to push on. Confide in her, for some crazy reason he couldnât yet understand. If only he didnât enjoy being with her so much, he thought. If only he didnât admire her fierce independence. Or the sight of her, sitting forward, lips slightly parted, elbows on her knees, listening to his every word. It gave him the strange feeling they were, in some strange way, a matched pair. And allowing in emotions like that, left him vulnerable. He knew that. And he just didnât care. Not anymore â not for the moment, anyway.
I decided to eliminate this last paragraph entirely because it was boring, repetitive, and wordy. I also wanted to change the point of view, and do it more effectively than I did in the early versionâjust putting in the three star separation wasnât good at all. Something more obvious was needed, so I wrote in a change of scene. Doing so, gave me the opportunity to add to the atmosphere and deepen the sense of place.
Final Version
âOkay, then.â His voice was surprisingly tender. âIf I promise not to probe into secrets, do I have the right to ask one question?â
She nodded with resignation.
âCan I trust you?â
The answer to that was simple enough. âYes. Of course you can.â
His returning smile was radiant. âGood.â
She stared helplessly at the strong, angular features highlighted by the merciless sun. âThatâs crazy. Youâre willing to take my word for it? I could be lying.â
He leaned forward, cupped her chin in his hand, and met her gaze evenly. âNo way. Not with a face as expressive as yours.â
***
An hour later, the sky was a gleaming dome white with heat, and only the deeply indented coast with its myriad inlets promised respite. Renaud rowed steadily toward a cove where waves were gentle and a few pines had secured a toehold in the inhospitable terrain. Slinging the rowboatâs line over a sharp boulder, he held out his hand to Anne, then kept her fingers coiled around his for as long as he could. If only he didnât enjoy being with her so much. If only he didnât admire her fierce independence, or the sight of her, now settled comfortably between abundant shrubs of fragrant myrtle, her lips slightly parted, elbows on her knees.
Yes, I think this final version really does work. I hope you think so, too. Thanks for letting me present these edits. Itâs a fun subject!
Want To Read The Rest Of The Book?
The Turkish Affair by J. Arlene Culiner – Love and danger at the ancient Hittite site of Karakuyu. Priceless artifacts are disappearing from the ancient Hittite site of Karakuyu in Turkey, and the site director has vanished. Called in to solve the mystery, archaeologist Renaud Townsend is hindered by both his inability to speak the language and the knowledge that the local police are corrupt. His attraction to translator Anne Pierson is immediate, although he is troubled by her refusal to talk about the past and her fear of public scandal. But when murder enters the picture, both Anne and Renaud realize that the risk of falling in love is not the only danger.
More About J. Arlene Culiner
Writer, photographer, social critical artist, musician, and occasional actress, J. Arlene Culiner, was born in New York and raised in Toronto. She has crossed much of Europe on foot, has lived in a Hungarian mud house, a Bavarian castle, a Turkish cave-dwelling, on a Dutch canal, and in a haunted house on the English moors. She now resides in a 400-year-old former inn in a French village of no interest and, much to local dismay, protects all creatures, especially spiders and snakes. She particularly enjoys incorporating into short stories, mysteries, narrative non-fiction, and romances, her experiences in out-of-the-way communities, and her conversations with strange characters.
Opportunities For Writers
Are you an author interested in writing a Behind the Rewrite guest blog post? Get the guidelines here.
Are you a writer who could use some editing tips? Check out Stacyâs free resources:
Line Editing Made Simpleâ5 Days to More Polished Pages â Free e-mail class packed with line editing tips
Shortcuts for Writers: Editing Made Simple Facebook group â Download the guide, 7 Simple Steps to Nailing Your Book Blurb in Unit 1.)
How To Name Your Characters: Tips Every Fiction Writer Should Know â Check out this extensive post on naming your characters, an informative video tour of 7 character-naming sites, and a free PDF guide that summarizes all the information.
Book Editing Blueprint: A Step-By-Step Plan to Making Your Novels Publishable â Learn how to streamline the editing process in this affordable, self-paced online course that will empower beginner and intermediate writers to think like an editor so they can save time and money. A steppingstone to hiring an editor.